


Let Me Be Your Mirror {HIATUS}

by Bellarke100x



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Depressed Clarke, Depressing, Depressing af, F/M, Fluff, Fluffy Smut, Possible smut, Protective Bellamy, Sad Bellamy, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Underage Drinking, bitter Murphy, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-04-21 14:32:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4832744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellarke100x/pseuds/Bellarke100x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke is extremely depressed after Jake dies, but she handles in the worst way possible. Luckily she has two men who can try to help her trough it.</p><p>(horrible summary)</p><p>[Edit: I am struggling to write this story due to its content being overwhelming at the moment. I hope to make future additions soon, but for the time being it's stuck in a weird place. Apologies.]</p><p>[Edit 2: I'm also trying to go back and fix some things I wrote out poorly just to get them posted.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It All Happened In The Beginning

 

 

 

Bellamy had just gotten off his shift at the Burger Barn, and before he went to The Round About Pizza Parlor he thought he would go over Clarke's and see if she had the homework from today's geometry class. When he got there Abby was leaving. _T_ _hank god_ ' he thought to himself.

"Hello, Bellamy. Are you here to see Clarke?"

"Yeah, can I just go up to her room?"

"Yes. The door is unlocked." With that, she got in her car and drove off.

He was never a big fan of Clarke but they had been math/science partners for two years now so Abby was used to him coming over at random times.

***PING***

_**Today Monday 10/13** _

_**4:38 AM** _   
**Miller** _  
Hey man, you up for a party?_

_**4:39 AM** _   
**Bellamy** _  
Nah, double shift._

_I'm at Clarke's house right now so I'll get back to you_

_**4:39 AM** _   
**Miller** _  
BRUH hit that b4 someone else does. She is so FUCKING sexy._

_**4:40 AM** _   
**Bellamy** _  
I just don't see...it_

He opened her door to find she was laying on her bed facing away from him and had earbuds in. Being the natural douchebag he was, he sent Miller a picture of her.

_**4:41 AM**_  
 **Bellamy**  
*** Picture Attachment***  
 _I lied_

_I see it now._

_HOLY SHIT_

_SO HOT!_

She was just laying there in a baggy sweatshirt and black lacy panties. She seemed to have some sort of tattoo on the back of her leg and something else on her thigh he couldn't see from where he was.

She was just shaking her head to her music. Bellamy just leaned against the door frame and watched her get all ecstatic. But she turned her head. And when saw him, she screamed and fell off her bed. Bellamy just started laughing.

"What the hell Bellamy!"

"Sorry? Your mom said I could come up. I need the math homework for today." She was putting on sweats while he was talking.

"I don't have it."

"What do you mean 'you don't have it'?"

***PING***

_**Today Monday 10/13** _

_**4:45 AM** _   
**Miller**   
_BRUH_

_HIT_

_THAT_

_NOW_

_OR I WILL!_

_And I'm fucking gay._

"I mean I wasn't in class." He just stared at her waiting for an explanation. He didn't get one. "Go home Bellamy."

"Not until I get an explanation as to why you weren't in class!"

"No, _mom_. Go Home!" She was getting angry.

"Fine I'll ask Jasper what the homework was!"

"They won't be able to tell you either." She gave him a sly smirk but her eyes were still sad.

"Dear god, you were with _them_!?" He stared at her, shock evident on his face. "Skipping class?!"

"No..."

He stared at her, his jaw dropped. "You were smoking pot with them weren't you?"

The Princess was smoking?! The world was clearly ending.

She was getting tired of his starring so she scoffed, rolled her eyes, pushed past him, and went downstairs.

He was standing alone in her room.

He saw a couple blood soaked tissues had fallen out of her garbage can. He shuddered and started walking away, tripping on a box. He picked it up. The receipt that was taped to the box was marked a couple of weeks ago.

_Why does she need a ten pack of razors? And how the hell has she used all of them?_

He just took it downstairs with him to throw it away. He found her in the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle.

"What do you think your doing?" She asked before he dropped the box in the trash

"Oh your right, it's recycling."

"Not what I meant. Give that too me." She snatched the box and put it on the counter. When she came back downstairs and told Bellamy to leave again, this time he did.

_She needs to chill out_. But he didn't have time to argue with her anymore. He needed to switch shifts with Murphy.

* * *

Murphy ran over to Clarke's house when Bellamy relieved him of his shift. He was freaking out. He hadn't heard from Clarke in 2 days, he didn't see her in class, and then he hears from Bellamy that his severely depressed friend had an empty box of razors on her floor, something on her leg she was trying to hide, was wearing a long sleeve shirt and was acting very strange.

That sounded horrible.

He was running faster than he ever had before. He could probably beat the time for the school track record. He ran about 4 miles in under 30 minutes. When he got there he was ringing the door bell persistently. When no one answered he went for the extra key. He was in such a hurry that he accidentally left the door open and left the keys on the floor. He was running up the stairs. She wasn't in her room. He couldn't find her.

Worry was starting to set in. Maybe he was wrong, and she wasn't home. Murphy began turning off the lights so it would look like he wasn't there. But when he did the bathroom light was shining through the crack at the bottom of the door.

When he tried to open it, the door was locked. He began banging on the door. Nothing. He did hear a hushed moan from inside. When he couldn't get it, he just decided to break the door open (Abby was on a trip. He could get it replaced). After he walked in, he saw Clarke on the floor. Laying in a small pool of blood. She wasn't wearing any pants, so he could see them very clearly. The cuts and scars all down her thighs.

Murphy picked her up and sat her in the shower. Turning it on a temperature that wouldn't send her into shock but could possibly wake her if she hadn't lost too much blood.

John took off her top and rinsed off her hair and back. She didn't wake up. Carrying her to her room wasn't a challenge, she was tiny. Neither was putting on some new clothes. Where it got difficult was opening her mother's office door. The lock sometimes changed and now really wasn't the time for that.

Abby had some supplies for when neighbors couldn't afford medical care.

It was Jake's idea before he passed away.

She had everything important. Anesthetic, needles, antiseptic, etc. But most importantly she had IV bags. He had found Clarke like this a few times before.

They had known each other since third grade so when she told him about her...problem...he was very accepting. She taught him what to do just in case she really needed help. So by now it was habit. He fixed up the IV tubing and sterilized the needle. When he inserted it she groaned and made a face but didn't wake up. He hung the saline and blood bags, and hooked them up to the IV tubes. She was doing great. He got the bandages and antiseptic. Cleaning her up was also easy. She looked like she was going to be ok but he decided to stay the night, just in case.

In the morning he cleaned her up a little more and changed her bandaging. It looks like she got all of the blood she lost back. She also looked less pale. Once John knew she was going to be ok, he went down to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Clarke woke up at around 11.

_Great,_ she thought, _I missed class again. Bellamy is going to kill me._

She tried to sit up but when she bent her arm to push herself up a loud beeping shocked her. Looking down Clarke saw she had an IV in.

J _ust terrific._ looking down at her leg she saw a huge bandage wrapped around her leg, _I don't even remember passing out.._.

She must have fucked up huge this time.

Murphy came to the door with a travel mug of coffee for himself. But when he saw she was awake, he dropped it and ran over to her.

"God I'm so glad you're ok. What happened yesterday?"

She was still weak but she managed to whisper back to him, "I'm not sure. I just couldn't stop crying and then Bellamy came over and yelled at me for not being in class yesterday so I couldn't get his homework and it only made it worse. I just... I just felt..." She started tearing up again.

He hugged her tight. Clarke hasn't been feeling right lately. She loves Murphy, she does. But unfortunately, she felt like she was developing feelings for the other guy in her life...Bellamy.

Her depression has slowly been growing worse, knowing neither of them will ever reciprocate. She was finding it harder and harder to be around them. She began to have an anxiety attack and couldn't breathe.

Just when he was about to offer her breakfast she passed out again.


	2. How He Found Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so incredibly sorry i updated this on fanfiction.net but i forgot that i had it on this website too. so i have 2 more chapter i'll post in the next hour or so

When Clarke woke up again Murphy was passed out in a chair next to her and the front door was being pounded on. She got up to answer it. Not even realizing what had happened, or what was about to happen. Clarke opened the door to find Bellamy looking more pissed than usual. He stomped in not noticing anything wrong with her yet.

"Why are you here? I haven't been at school."

"That's exactly why I'm here." He said, while turning around to face her. Only pace back and forth in front of her, "I really need to talk to you about-"

Bellamy stopped short right in front of Clarke. She hadn't noticed it before, since she was on a bunch of medication. But after following Bellamy's gaze towards her legs, she noticed that she was wearing pajama shorts and not her usual long length pants. With a horror stricken face, Clarke ran past him, upstairs, to put on longer pants and hoped Bellamy wouldn't tell his friends while she was gone. When she got to the top of the stairs John had just woken up. Seeing her face, and the tears running down it, he wondered what was wrong. But as she moved towards her room, and out of his line of sight. He saw Bellamy standing there, in the middle of the foyer. Dumbstruck. John ran down the stairs in hopes of convincing Bellamy that he wouldn't tell anyone. But when he got there, Bellamy looked like he'd just seen a ghost.

"Hey. Dude. Are you with me?" Murphy asked.

"Ye...yeah." He responded. Bellamy stumbled backwards, taking a seat on the staircase behind him. "I promise."

"What?" John said, confused.

"I won't tell anyone. I know you were going to ask. I promise I won't."

They were silent for a little while before Bellamy spoke again.

"Why?"

Murphy gave him a look. Asking 'Why what?'

"Why does she...do...that." Bellamy could think of thousands of reasons, but he wanted the real one.

"I'm not sure. She never really explained it to me." John replied.

With that Bellamy stood up and went upstairs to find Clarke. When he went upstairs, he heard crying. Knocking on the door, Clarke clearly said 'Go Away!' but he didn't. instead he slid his back down the door and leaned against it.

"Clarke I just want to talk." His deep voice leaked under the locked door to her bathroom.

"Why so you can tell all your friends what a complete freak I am? But have all the correct details first."

"Not even a little bit." They were both silent for minute. "Do you want to hear a story?"

There was no response, but he could hear her head rest against the other side of the door.

"Alright. Well there was this little girl, she pretty much had everything she wanted. But then she got a bit older and she realized how bad it was. Her family wasn't rich like the other little girls, her family was full, and most importantly her family wasn't happy. So she stopped asking for things, she stopped asking about things, and overall she just stopped. Now a little sidetrack here; In this family there was her, her younger brother, their baby sister, and their mother. Anyway, She got to about the age of sixteen. So her brother was 9 and the baby sister was 2. Now the little girl had grown up into a nice young lady who just wanted to find her way in life. The mother had gone slightly insane, working 3 jobs, and being an "entertainer" on the side. So the nice young lady took care of the kids. Took real good care of them. Got them fed, clothed, bathed, and even got them into a nice public school. But while the mother didn't notice anything, the little boy did. He noticed that the girl who used to wear tank-tops, shorts ,and sandals, with a happy attitude was changing into hoodies, jeans/yoga pants, and knock-off shoes, all with a very sad attitude. One night He went into her room to see what was wrong with her. But what he saw only made him feel worse. His sister was asleep in shorts. With red horizontal lines all down her legs and arms. He left her room silently crying. His sister was going through a hard time. And their mother didn't notice. His younger sister was only two. And he didn't fully understand why. So the next day, the little boy waited for the girl in the kitchen so they could talk when she got home from work. He waited and waited, and waited some more. She didn't come home that night. No, she came home the next morning at 2am with a mysterious guy, who "smelled like barf" as he described it. and this continued for a solid 3 weeks. Then she came home with bruises. Then cuts on her face. Then one night/morning she didn't come home. He waited. It was 2 days before he talked to the police. Do you know what they told him later that day? They told the nine year old boy, holding his two year old sister, that his sister was dead. She had killed herself 2 morning's ago. But she did leave him a note. That he couldn't open until he was 15. So he waited again. 6 years this time. He was 15, his sister was 8, and no one spoke about the nice young lady who ended her life. He opened the letter. And I bet you can't guess what it said. They were simple words,

'Happy 15th birthday.  
I'm sorry I couldn't be there  
in person to see what a nice  
young man you've become but,  
I was in a lot of pain.  
And It had come to a point  
where I just couldn't take it anymore.  
I hope that someday you can find it  
in your big heart to forgive me.

Because I love you,  
My little rebel King  
My little brother  
My little Bell.'

And up until that moment he resented his sister. He felt that she was being selfish. That she was only thinking about herself. But it was at that moment that he let go. and He forgave her. Because no matter how much he didn't understand what had been happening to her, he knew that it was too much for the nice young lady to handle and she did the same as him. She let go."

Clarke could hear Bellamy crying behind the door. She was crying too. Clarke stood up, unlocked the door, and opened it. Then she walked over to the end of the hall to sit on the bay window. He followed.

"Were you and her close?" She asked.

"As close as a suicidal 16 year old and innocent 9 year old can be."

"What about..."

"Octavia? My younger sister?"

"Yeah."

"I never told her about it. She's only nine now. And she sure as hell is going to keep her childhood for a lot longer than I did." He chuckled towards the end of his sentence. Wiping away a tear from his cheek.

"And you? Why do you care about me? Why do you care about what people think about me?"

"Because I saw what it did to my sister. And..." tell her you dumbass "and I don't want to see you end up like she did. I do care about you Clarke, no matter how much of a dickwad I am, it's only because I don't want the shit that goes on in my life to affect you or anyone else negatively."

Clarke smiled at his words. Bellamy wiped away a tear from her cheek. Leaving his hand on her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

And over by the stairs was Murphy. who had watched the entire ordeal. and felt his heart breaking as he saw his best friend fall for another guy.


	3. Recap

Clarke slept that peacefully that night. And so did Murphy. Bellamy however wasn't so lucky.

He was haunted by his dreams that night. All of them different in a way, but also the same. They were all about her.

The other day (recap)

Bellamy hadn't seen Clarke for two days so he went over to her house to check on her. He was worried about her, but couldn't show her that. Because even though he was sweet and nice to his sister, he couldn't show that kind of vulnerability to everyone he loved. Wait! No. He didn't say he loved Clarke. Did he? He wasn't really sure about anything anymore. What he was sure of was that he was knocking on Clarke's front door to see what was going on with her. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. So instead of being kind, he just bursts in to her house and paces, trying to figure out his next move. But before he can, he looks to the side to see if shes still standing there. But when he looks at her, the first thing that catches his attention, is her thighs. There are bandages on the left one but the right one has cuts and scars all over it. Bellamy doesn't realize he was starring, until she runs past him and up the stairs. He'd dealt with this before. But he wasn't successful. He was going to let her go this time. He was not going to lose another girl he loved. Because he did. Bellamy loved Clarke. He wasn't sure when it had happened, or how, but he knew. He was in love with Clarke Griffin. He told Murphy that no one would know of her secret, and went up the stairs to go to talk to the girl in question. He shared with her, He shared his darkest secret. When she opened the door He had expected her to laugh at him, or give him a hard time about being such a wuss. But no, she just walks past him to sit by the window. So he got up and joined her. They talked for a little while before he knew he was just falling harder for her. He left after she said she was tired. Walking out with Murphy. When they got to the driveway he stopped Bellamy.

"Look, she has had a lot gone wrong in her life. Do not do something to make it worse." He said before walking away. Bellamy didn't have to best track record when it came to girls, but he definitely wasn't going to fuck over Clarke, that was inexcusable.

When Bellamy got home, Octavia was asleep on the couch, probably waiting for him to get home. He just picked her up and put her to bed, not even bothering to wake her up. After setting her down and going back out to the kitchen, He ate some chips then got ready for bed. After laying down for a solid hour of not sleeping, he began to "stalk" Clarke's Facebook profile. He's not really sure when he falls asleep, but when he does, all he sees is blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beautiful smile. That's what he dreams about. Her. She was what he wanted in life. After realizing this he jolted up, sweating and gasping for breath. Bellamy needed to talk to Clarke. Asap.


	4. Murphy Loses It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to update soon, and i need to write longer chapters...im so sorry

He sent her a quick text asking to meet up later that day because they "really needed to talk about some EXTREMELY important" and went back to sleep.

Clarke woke up at 2am when she got text messages from Murphy and Bellamy saying almost the exact same thing, "we need to talk later today about something, it's important." She just groaned and went back to sleep. 'I'm not prepared for this kind of bombardment...' she thought as she faded.

She didn't show up to school again. Bellamy, now knowing her secret, got worried and left halfway through the day. When he showed up, the door was unlocked and he heard something coming from the TV room. But he couldn't distinguish if it was laughing or crying, either way he ran towards it. when he walked through the doorway he saw Clarke curled up under a blanket, laughing, watching Archer, and eating a bowl of cereal. She turned quickly and did a double take when she saw him.

"God, you scared me. I thought...well I don't know what I thought but it probably wasn't good." she said giggling the last few words.

"You didn't come to school today, so I wanted to make sure you were ok. Are you ok?"

"Peachy!" she says in a high pitched voice, then proceeds to fall off the couch. Laughing on the floor.

"What the-..." Bellamy says, looking around the room, noticing the 3/4 empty bottle of wine. "dear lord..."

He picked her up and started taking her up to her bedroom. "You're such a light weight." He joked.

"Nuh uh! that was like my fifeth bottle, I've been up drinkin since you and John messaged me at like 2 in the god damn mornin." She grumbled back at him. "I'm just a lil tipsy, ge'me some water and I'll be fine. Promise! Then we can talk about whatever you want."

He put her down on her bed during her ramblings, "Alright let me go get you a water bottle and aspirin, I'll be right back."

He went down stairs and tried to fill her a water bottle but spilled all over his shirt. Bellamy removed the article to put it in the dryer and went back to getting Clarke her water and pills. While walking out from the kitchen, shirt thrown in laundry, holding a bottle of water, Murphy walked through the still unlocked front door.

"Clarke!-oh...hi Bellamy." he said trying to asses the situation presented before him. An attractive guy shirtless on his way upstairs, presumably to Clarke's bedroom, holding a bottle of water. One last thing, "Where's Clarke?"

Murphy already didn't like Bellamy, he didn't need john thinking he got Clarke wasted. "Oh, uh she's laying down, pretty beat. I was just getting her some water."

And there was the final thing for John. That set him off. He punched Bellamy square in the jaw, throwing him to the ground. "I'm so done with your bullshit! I've been friends with her since third grade, I've been with her through everything. And then yesterday you tell her some sob story and find out something dark about her and now she's fucking sleeping with you?!" John kicks Bellamy in the stomach, "No! I don't think so! I told you not fuck with her, she's been through some shit. I dont understand what goes through your dumbass head", he kicks again, "but get it through there, you are here by pity. She pities you because of your shit life and that you found out, she just doesn't want you telling anyone, you think she cares about you?! So did I! But guess what she just fuckin played me, exactly like shes doing to you!"

Murphy looks up to find Clarke standing at the top of the stairs, starring at the scene laid out before her.

"I...I...wha-"

"Save it. I'm done playing your hero." Those were his last words as he walked out the front door. Leaving Bellamy on the ground, coughing up blood, water spilled and Clarke crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JEEZUS well...that was a bit dark, but thats life. I'M SO SORRY YOU GUYS! I wrote out like 4 chapters then...my computer crashed and broke so naturally I was like -.-, and then my parents blamed me and refused to get me a new one for like forever. But I worked enough to buy myself a new one, then the best thing happened...Writers Block! God it's great right? nah. Apologies this is un-betaed and written at 2-3am, hope its ok. love yall, smoochies


	5. Cliffhanger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUDES this is the shortest chapter I've ever written (exactly 300 words) , but I'm actually so stuck. I'm going to talk to my beta-reader and see if they'll help me figure out an ending so this is like just a really shitty thing I wrote, but it's been forever since i updated, so please don't hate me. I know i hate it when i see that a story is updated and its like 15 sentences. I'm super sorry... will update ASAP PROMISE!

Clarke was automatically sobered up by John's outburst. She ran downstairs. She was able to aid Bellamy into the kitchen where she sat him down at the island. She got him all cleaned up, and gave him some pain relievers.

"Bellamy...I'm so sorry..."

"It's fine, really. I'm ok," He said, trying to stand up, wincing at the pain. "Alright, I _will_ be ok."

She lightly chuckled at him. "I don't know what happened..."

He looks at her like she's an idiot, "Clarke. It's obvious." She looks confused. "He's in love with you."

Her eyes widen, shocked by the statement. She can't seem to form an actual sentence, "Bu-...wha-...I...I don't..."

"How did you not know?" He assumed she knew.

"I don't know...We've been friends forever, I just looked at him like he was a brother. And I never thought he would see me as more than a friend..."

"And I'm just gonna go out on a limb and guess you don't feel that way about him?"

"I mean...No. I thought about it, a long time ago, but it was nothing more than that, a thought." Then a terrible thought hit. Her small voice whispered, "It's my fault you got hurt..."

Tears brimmed her eyes. He just barely heard her, but still felt bad. "It's not your fault, it's his. He's the one who hurt me. You did nothing." The meds started kicking in for him, the pain was receding. Just as tears fell down her cheek. She covered her mouth and ran away upstairs. He went after her as fast as he could. Not knowing what she would do to herself.

She was on the ground in her room.


	6. Start Of A New Begining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am struggling with this story so much and I feel so bad about it! I'm going to try super hard to update soon but I have to go back to school, so I don't know how that will affect my schedule. Ok, so I'm also stealing Raven's line from S3E3 the actual line is "What if she can't? What if I'm just broken?" but I just morphed it a bit to fit the storyline.

She was sitting with her back against her bed, holding a blade against her wrist. Tears streaming down her cheeks.

" _it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault._ " She whispered to herself, hitting her head against the wood frame of her bed.

His hand slowly clamped around her wrist, pulling it down, away from the sharp razor. She dropped it and curled into his chest, bawling. He just wrapped her up, rubbing her back, whispering words of encouragement "It's gonna be ok. It'll be ok, I promise."

He couldn't promise anything. He didn't know if it was going to be ok. Nothing is certain. But what he did know was that he wasn't leaving her side. She was broken. Beyond broken, she was fucking shattered. And she thought she couldn't be fixed. While he didn't know if he could fix her, he knew he would try his _damnedest_.

She cried herself to sleep, still shaking. He managed to pick her up and put her on the bed before she woke up again. Gasping for air. She went into having a panic attack. Bellamy enveloped her seemingly small figure in his arms and started talking about random Greek Mythology.

His sister, although only 10, has developed severe anxiety and has panic attacks more often than he'd like. It's hard to watch her go through them, but he found that just talking, even about pointless trivial things can help.

Clarke's breathing went back to normal after a few minutes, but she started crying again.

"I'm such a fucking wreck..."

"Clarke..."

"I'm a mess of a person. Normal people...they don't do..." she angrily gestured to her thighs, "this. This isn't fucking normal!" She was angrily crying.

"Fuck normal, it's boring and shitty."

She was trying to stop her crying.

"You are perfect the way you are. This," he pointed at her legs, "doesn't define who you are as a person. This is a bump in the road. You can get over it, I promise."

She looked up at him with watery eyes.

"What if I can't? What if I'm just broken?"

"I don't believe that. You're not broken, just...a little rough around the edges." She let out a breathy laugh. The tears had stopped. "You want to stop?"

She nodded but stayed silent.

"You know the first step."

She stood up, with his assistance, and walked over to her dresser. She pulled out a small purple box, handing it to him.

"Can you throw these away in the outside garbage?"

"Of course, Princess." He pocketed the box. He hugged her again.


End file.
